We hear people say that no relationship is perfect, a healthy relationship is always a work in progress. This couldn’t be more true. In this day and age when we determine the worth of our relationship with how many likes we get on facebook and instagram, where our friends are going for vacations with their partners & the fancy dinners they are going for, we are setting unrealistic goals for ourself and our partner, in the relationship.
A “happy picture” of our friend,that we look at and feel bad about on instagram,maybe far from what we know.
Your relationship with your partner is not going to be the same as what you see in others’ relationships. But it becomes very easy for us to judge our relationship based on what others are doing. We all as humans have a “need to be recognised”, and that makes it very natural for us to expect recognition or attention from our partner. It is ridiculous for people to say things like “Don’t Expect”, because that is not in human nature. As humans and especially in close relationships, we expect. But here the catch is, that when we expect something from someone, say our partner, we “expect” them to know what you want from them and need from them. This is where things go haywire and lead them to a therapist’s office, because when those expectations aren’t met, the relationship becomes sour.
We may not say anything about it to our partner, but keep a pile of it in our mind. This pile is called “ your collection of stamps against your partner”. This later on, comes out unexpectedly in an ugly form in front of your partner and you get confused about why you said what you said or did what you did? It is our collection of resentments, You might call it an outburst , where things go out of proportionate. It doesn’t just happen in a day. It may take months or years , by keeping on collecting such stamps.
So let’s look at some ways , where we can avoid piling up such resentments which later turn out to be bad pay offs in our relationship:
● Ask
It may sound very cliched, but yes, ASK. ask your partner when you need something, or want something from them. It could be a gesture or a favour. It could be as small as asking for them to get you a rose when you want them to. Don’t sit around expecting them to “know” that they ought to do it for you. They cannot read your mind. It is OK for you to ask what you want.
It may be surprising to know that how much indulging in self care can help you feel good about your own relationship. Only when you can do things for yourself, you can expect the other person to do it for you too. When we as an individual don’t feel good about ourselves, we also tend to put that pile onto our relationship too. If you want to have a cup of coffee and your partner doesn’t , then go out and have that cup of coffee! It is surprisingly satisfying and genuinely a good feeling.
● Reject
Sometimes we do not say ‘No’ or reject the gestures that we don’t like in a relationship. It may be as small as when you don’t like when your partner leaves dirty towel on the bed or your partner calling you names. We tend to ignore it or sleep on it.
We can communicate it to out partner that we don’t like certain gestures by telling them how we feel about them.
● Give
At times, even when we want to hug our partner or say something nice to them. We don’t. We tend to hold ourselves back. We deliberately don’t do a nice gesture for them. It becomes important to stop acting tough and genuinely make a nice gesture if we want to. A tiny small gesture may go a long way.
● Accept
Yes, accept the gesture. Sometimes we do not see ourself worthy of some good gesture made by our partner. Like when a husband tells his wife that she looks nice, the wife might not accept the compliment because she doesn’t consider herself pretty. There might be so many gestures that we overlook and don’t consider worthy.
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